Ingrid Weir

Once upon a time, in a land not so far away, little girls learned that they must wait up in a locked castle for their Prince Charming to slay the dragon and rescue them from the evil stepmother, so that they could live happily ever after. 

The fairy tale has changed slightly since that time.  After all, it wasn’t too long ago, that ABC’s show, “Cougar Town, " aired the episode, “Everything Man, " about Jules’ fairy tale bathroom remodel. 

At her black tie bathroom grand opening party, complete with champagne and hors d'ouvres service, what was the first thing that she exclaimed when they rushed in to the bathroom?  The bathroom that she had the wall to her son’s room moved so he couldn’t open the door so she could have it the way she wanted it?  The bathroom that was complete with a talking toilet that had a, “No " button on it, and she didn’t know why? 

What was the first thing they said?

“I’ve got heated floors, a steam shower, flat screen, and check out the tub.  It is so deep, I can rent it out for water births.  “

“WOW, JULES!  It’s like a bathroom from a fairy tale!  “

“I can totally picture a princess copping a squat in here.” 

Now, most men probably understand the appeal of the, “Fairy Tale Bathroom " about as much as women understand the appeal of waiting in a castle tower their whole lives to be rescued by their prince.  Although, we can understand having a magical preservation spell over us, so that we can still be as beautiful as we were at 20 years old… 100 years later when Prince Charming finally gets around to it. 

Now, I’ve heard it said, that the secret to happy marriage is having separate bathrooms, and I have to say that I completely agree!  It never actually even dawned on me, up until this point, but that was it!  Ask anyone, who has just been through a breakup, what the bright side is, and you will most likely hear about the extra closet space and not having to clean up after anyone else in the bathroom, right? 

How did I, personally, come to this realization? 

Well, when I went to do my first measure up for a job, I did not realize what I was getting into when I said that I would go and do it, myself.  After meeting the builder at a trade show, I felt it was important for me to do the follow-up.  Having grown up around a lot of measuring tapes and scaffolding being our playground as kids, it didn’t seem like a big deal.  Boy, was I wrong… it would have been slightly easier to have started with maybe a 5-million dollar home or the like, but no, this one was something else! 

Of course, I did a little research on the home before driving out to it, so I would have an idea of what it looked like since this was during what I refer to as my, “Pre-Tom-Tom Era. “  Somehow, this still did not prepare me for the immensity of this not-so-humble abode! 

Upon arrival, I realize that I am at what they call a mansion these days, but truly, it felt more like a castle.  To put the magnitude of this project into perspective, this was a ‘Roswell Women’s Club Showcase Home’ that by simply adding on a finished basement, alone, raised the price by roughly 7-million dollars, give or take a million or so.  Oh, the magnificence… oh, the terror! 

Walking through the master bedroom to the master baths

- Yes, that is supposed to be plural – had my mind narrating the experience as though I were Mr. Peterman, Elaine’s boss, from Seinfeld. 

“From the master bedroom balcony, your worries melt away as you take in the peaceful surroundings.  The breathtaking tranquility overcomes your soul as your mind escapes into what you only thought existed in your imagination.  From nature’s soothing backdrop with the spectacular view over the treetops to the faint, hypnotic sounds of the gently lapping lake and the faint ripples in the water as the ducklings join their mother for an afternoon swim.  “

This was not what sold me, though… the wine cellar in the basement, the theater that puts IMAX to shame… none of this had me exclaiming, “I must have this!” 

What Sold Me? 

Well, that would be the attached, “His and Hers “Master Baths and Separate Walk-in Closets!  Of course, it goes without saying that these were, indeed, larger than my own master bedroom. 

Now, why is this every woman’s dream? 

Well, as women, we do not like sharing our bathroom or closet spaces with anyone else… and let’s face it; we could probably switch out our bedroom size for the walk-in closet size and be just fine!  I, for one, don’t really need much room in my bedroom… but the closet and bathrooms?  That’s the secret. 

Imagine if you never had to worry about the toilet seat being left up, cleaning up random hair and not being sure from whence it came?  Come on, ladies… how many times have you had to clean off urine splatter from the walls, floor, back of the toilet, under the seat, and everywhere else because you couldn’t handle it anymore, and they weren’t going to do it? 

How often does that happen to you when you are not sharing these private quarters? 

Oh, and don’t even get me started on sharing a shower/bath with someone else. 

If you are a bath person, you are saddled with the task of scrubbing dirt, dead skin, soap scum, hair, and other debris out the bathtub before running your bath.  Skip this, and you run the risk of contracting some sort of bacterial or fungal infection – or just feeling really gross because you are soaking in what someone else washed off of their body!  Eww! 

What about those tiny pieces of stubble that randomly appear all over your bathroom and tub – and your razor?  Where are those from?  Not you, right?  Oh, you don’t mind them being everywhere, right?  After all, it’s all about love. 

What about when you go to turn on the bath, and you get a shot of cold water on your head because someone forgot to turn the shower nozzle to the off position after their shower? 

No, in our fairy tale, no one climbs up our hair to the tower to free us get away from the evil, fire- breathing beastly stepmother dragon. 

No, we do not need anyone to rescue us, but we do need an escape sometimes! 

We need our space, and you men need yours, too. 

As women, we are busy and do not want anyone messing with the way our clothes and other various and sundry items are stored in our closets.  We are strong, beautiful, hard working, and always on the go.  Our hectic lives demand that we know right where everything is and where to grab it… 

Sometimes, while in the dark hopping around in one heel with a half-eaten bagel in our mouths… while putting on mascara and telling everyone about it in 140 characters or less, while sympathetically listening to our best friend cry about their latest relationship troubles and reassuring you that we still love you even though, while hoping to barely squeeze in ‘GLEE!’ once a week. 

What do we ask for in return? 

It’s simple!  We need time to rejuvenate in a tranquil, luxurious environment that is untouched by other humans… a place that is just for us! 

The Separate Master Bath

This is a room that is maybe soundproof?  Yes, definitely soundproof, free of clutter (our stuff is not clutter – it’s all necessary, btw).  An escape from the demands of our daily lives that take so much out of us… 

Requirements for the Ultimate Serene Bathroom Escape:

• A Claw Foot Tub

• The Bathtub must have the Back of it Heated!

• None of us like having to try to warm up the back of the tub by running hot water over it; only to find out that it still wasn’t enough to keep from getting goose bumps across our whole bodies, destroying the ambience we have worked so hard to achieve.

• Tile Floors

• No Wood, Linoleum, Vinyl, Carpet, etc.

• We do not need anything warping, molding, or just being gross.  Tile belongs in bathrooms – not wood or carpet – and stick down linoleum and carpet will start to peel up and grow mold under it.

• Heated Floors

• No Cold Spots on the Floor Anywhere we Might be – Ever

• Even if we want to sit on the toilet backwards or sideways to read in peace, where we placed in the Forbes 500, we want our feet to be warm and cozy.
• - and if we have, perhaps, “relaxed “a little too much to bother leaving our tranquil escape before accidentally falling asleep…

Controlling the Heated Floors on a Whim or being able to Program them to be Consistent with our Schedules is Essential

• Plus, we need to be able to turn it off and on quickly and easily, depending on our wacky body temperature fluctuations.
• This bathroom should last us forever, so there will be plenty of variances over the years.  It is a fairy tale bathroom, after all, and this is about, “Happily Ever After.”

• Steam Shower with Pulsating, Massaging, Duel Water-Conserving Showerheads

• The Shower must have Heated Shower Seats and Floors

• This is important for when we do that all of that personal maintenance that you appreciate so much.
• After all, what is the point of going from heated floors in the bathroom if you are just going to be naked, standing on cold tiles… and then, sitting on a cold tile bench or seat?  That’s just craziness!

• A Toilet that yells at us in Japanese and tempts us to push a button that simply says, “NO!”

• Naturally, this Toilet will have a Heated Seat

• We will be able to easily control the temperature & clean the toilet seat heater without the risk of having loved ones suffer from conflicted emotions; not knowing whether to laugh or cry about our passing.

Note:  Never push a button that says, “No!” It will almost never turn out well. 

The Separate Walk-in Closet 

This magical closet doesn’t need any woodland creatures, creepy little wrinkled guys spinning anything, or even a Fairy Godmother! 

The Perfect Walk-in Closet/Home Theater Requirements:

• Attached to our Magical Bathroom Wonderland

• No, we do not like having to hold our towels/robes/etc. closed as we run through where people go in and out freely, to where we are getting dressed. 

Must be Larger than a Two-car Garage

• If we cannot fit two minivans in the space, it isn’t big enough

Note: If you buy a minivan, we will not drive it.  We will take the car that is not listed as an essential, “Mom Jean " accessory on Amazon.com, thanks. 

• Energy Efficient HD Flat Screen with DVR

• The DVR must have unlimited space, so we can enjoy, in peace, “Better off Ted, " “Family Guy, " “Parenthood, " or whatever has buff, tan men without shirts and form-fitting shorts, who are jumping on trampolines or dancing to the vocal stylings of Olivia Newton-John and Jane Lynch.

• Carpets or maybe Nailed or Floating Hardwoods or Bamboo

• Hypoallergenic , sustainable, bamboo, reclaimed or some other earth friendly floor covering, of course
• Maybe a dark wood with a hint of red, but can be flexible on that part.

Floors must be Heated

• Once again, we are naked and/or barefoot.
• We really do not want dust, mold, dry air, etc. blown all over our clothes or drying out our skin, like forced air does, and breathing in all of that stuff is just plain gross! 

Please make sure that this is a system that does not require being put in a mud bed or cement… and definitely no water pipes under our stuff!

• It is a giant pain to do those mud systems, and we want them to be able to be installed quickly and easily – and we really do not like mud.  Plus, we really do not want to have to bust through a bunch of dusty thinset or mud if we need to replace anything either… dust + clothing = bad.
• There are systems out there that do not require any wet installation materials for both carpet and hardwoods.  We would like to use those, thank you.
• Water under our floors?  Yeah, no…. we’ve seen leaks and floods, and we want no part in that around our clothes and other personal effects. 

A system that cannot catch the house on fire or cause us to die from being shocked, thanks.

• UL-listed with no RF or EMR (electromagnetic radiation) because we do not like cancer or neurological problems – or things to interrupt our television experience.

Low amps – Not low voltage – 120v or 240v Only

• Actually, most of these go in both rooms - since it’s high amps that kill you, so yeah, no low voltage systems… 120v or 240v only.

• Wire Safety

  • Please make sure there is GFCI protection with a full ground surround and at least double insulation that will not break down over time, exposing the wires that carry the electricity, creating a shock risk… or causing us to have to repair it.
    

A 360-Degree Mirror like on ‘What Not to Wear’

• This is so we know we do not accidentally put on something that has proof that we are not actually perfect at all times.

After all of this, we will go back to rescuing you, our Prince Charming, while slaying the dragons, informing the children that they should not take candy from strangers – especially if their homes are made of candy… that if grandma has giant teeth, and this is out of the ordinary, they should probably run, scream, and call 911 ASAP. 

The 3:00 a.m. Phone Call?

Yes, we will always be there for you for that 3:00 a.m. phone call – no matter what the problem, which is why we haven’t had more than 5 hours straight of sleep since we were teenagers… 

* Unless it is that one problem… then, you should probably have more respect for us than that, and if we were not such ladies, we would inform you that you should take care of that, yourself. 

After all, we are your impeccably groomed Knights in Shining Stilettos with Invisible, Glowing Armor; the likes of which would have protected poor Achilles…. and you know that we were sent by God, personally, because he knew you needed rescuing, and he knew you couldn’t do it without us. 

So,  what are you going to do for the amazing woman in your life for next Mother’s Day?  (Remember, a woman does not have to give birth to a child to be a mother.  Chances are that she was born a mother, and you have probably seen that it if you’ve been paying attention.)  Honor the strength, sacrifices, loyalty, love, and support that she shows you in your life show you over and over by giving her the fairy tale that she deserves.  Show her that she is your hero, and you appreciate her rescuing you by giving her a private corner to the castle that she so richly deserves! 

Note:  Please always discuss specifics with us… never make an assumption on color, style, or any other preference… just print this out as a starting point, and hand her a red ink pen and highlighter, and everything will be okay! 

Selfish Reason Note:

Stress release for her makes your life better for you.  *wink, wink* 

About the Author:

Ingrid Weir is a writer, public relations and marketing consultant, graphics and web designer, and activist.  In addition, Ingrid is also a member of an elite International team of inventors and experts in electric radiant floor heating, Speedheat Floor Heating of Atlanta, Georgia, which services the United States and Canada.  

For more information, visit www.ingridweir.com or www.speedheat.us.